Author's Note:
Thank you again for all the fantastic reviews!! I'm now going to admit a deficiency and tell you that for the life of me I cannot figure out how to reply to individual reviews! I know I've done it before I just don't remember how. So, if anyone would mind taking pity on me and leaving me a review with the info that would be fantastic!
I hope this chapter isn't a let down. It's all Hermione. All in her head and what she's feeling. I hope I haven't rushed things. It's a delicate position to write.
WARNING: There is the barest hint of mention of sexual assault in this chapter but I wanted to be safe. If this upsets you in any way please stop reading.
The first time she woke up it was still dark. For a moment she thought she was in her own bed, until the distinctive smell of the hospital wing made her remember where she was and why she was there. Her chest ached and occasional stabs of pain made themselves known. She shifted slightly, trying to ease her discomfort when her `bed' moved as well.
Harry's arms tighten over her in his sleep and she stiffened immediately before it registered exactly where she was. She remembered bits and pieces of the hours before. But the memories were too painful and she burrowed her head further into his chest and allowed herself to slip to sleep once again.
The second time she woke up it was light. The clanging of potion bottles drew her from her daze. Peering through barely slit eyes she saw Madame Pomfrey at the bedside but the healer didn't seem to realize her patient was awake and slipped from the room.
Underneath her, Harry slumbered peacefully. She could just make out the corner of Ron's shoe and her hand was still in his even after all this time. Physically she felt better. The ache in her chest was present but not as bad as it had been. Her mind however, felt numb. She couldn't, didn't want to remember. Didn't want to talk about what had happened with him. Didn't want to re-live what had driven her so far gone that she had insulated herself between her two best friends.
The idea that Hermione Granger didn't want to analyze every part of this situation. That she didn't want to delve straight in and discover its root cause would shock everyone that knew her. But she wanted no part of it. She wanted to just be lost.
She didn't know how long she laid there simply staring. If she had been whole, a large part of her would have been screaming to get off of Harry, be strong, go after him, stop wallowing and move on. But that part of her was buried right then.
She knew when Harry began to wake up. His chin rubbed across the top of her head and a hand came up to brush some of her hair out of his face. His hand dropped back down to rest on her hip and she felt him grasp the blanket covering her.
A few more fidgeting movements and then she heard and felt his breath catch. He knew she was awake.
His heartbeat sped up which for some detached reason made her smile a little although she didn't look at him. She hoped he wouldn't say anything even though she knew he would. She didn't want to talk. Even to him.
She felt him swallow thickly and felt the rumble in his throat as his sleep heavy voice tried to stay low to avoid scaring her. "Hermione...are you...are you alright?"
She didn't answer. Didn't blink. Didn't acknowledge at all that she had heard him even though she had.
He tried again, voice even softer now "`Mione...please...are you in pain? Do you want me to get Madame Pomfrey."
Now she was in trouble. If he thought she was hurting he would leave and she couldn't handle that right then. She gave a short shake of her head.
She knew he was struggling with what to say, knew that what he had done for her last night had gone above and beyond what she ever could have expected out of him. So far outside of his own comfort zone he had to be operating on pure luck and instinct.
Ron had been watching them carefully and she had the distinct impression that he and Harry were communicating with looks over her head. When his hand began to slip from hers she knew she was right.
"I'll be right back, Hermione. I'm going to let Pomfrey know you're awake." Ron said gently and she winced internally at the tone, knowing that everything had changed.
Her empty fingers reached for his for a second before she brought the hand back up and tucked it between her and Harry.
Harry didn't say anything. She felt his hand twitch once, twice and then tentatively reach up and fall ever so slightly down the back of her hair. The unexpected gesture made her eyes well with tears and she clamped them shut, biting her lip to keep from making a sound.
Soon enough their quiet was broken. Madame Pomfrey swept in, Professor McGonagall and the headmaster right behind her. For a moment Hermione felt a rush of panic and she pushed herself closer to Harry and felt him hold her a little tighter and murmur words of assurance in her ear that she was safe.
To her credit the healer picked up on her discomfort. "Perhaps we should all give Miss Granger some privacy while I examine her." her tone was clipped and brooked no dissent. Again, Ron and Harry seemed to have perfected non verbal communication and she saw the curtains part as Ron stepped out.
"I am very glad you are back with us Miss Granger." said the headmaster "I would like to speak with you when you are feeling up to the task." and with a bow of his head he turned, placed an object she couldn't see on the table and exited.
It had never occurred to her that Harry would leave, so when she felt him shift under her and begin to place her on the bed alone she panicked. Before she could stop "No!!" ripped from her throat with so much force it hurt.
Everyone in the room froze. Harry recovered first and slid right back in where he had been, as if nothing had happened. "It's ok, it's ok" he reassured her "I wasn't leaving. I was just going to stand right over there." he said and pointed with his chin. But she was shaking so hard now her teeth were clattering. She hated this. This fear. This dependance. But if she stopped to think about why she felt this way she only saw him and what had happened and she couldn't think of that right now. It was easier to cling to Harry, shoving aside whatever consequences that may bring, than to acknowledge reality.
She felt like a shattered windshield that hadn't quite broken apart yet, and with every small jostle the fragile bonds holding her together got more and more strained. Soon she was going to explode in a million tiny shards.
Would she be able to be put back together again?
She tried to control her breathing and calm herself down.
"I'll be right there, `Mione. Five steps away. I won't leave. I promise." and ever so slowly he lowered her to the bed and helped her lay back on the pillows, while she clenched her eyes tight and wrapped her arms around herself. She felt more than heard him pause before he backed away and stood right where he said he would at the foot of the bed.
Madame Pomfrey proceeded to run diagnostic spells with practiced ease and didn't push her to talk. She could tell that her head of house however, was anxious to speak.
A flask filled with blue liquid was suddenly in front of her face and she startled and then Harry was two steps closer.
"Miss Granger, you need to take this." she insisted but Hermione shook her head.
The healer reached a hand out towards the back of her neck as if to assist her and the whine of panic began in her head as a wave of cold sweat broke across her.
Suddenly, Harry was there. His body half blocking her from the nurse as he deftly plucked the potion from her fingers. "I'm sorry, Madame Pomfrey." he said in response to her mouth flopping open in indignation. "What is this for?"
"It's for her pain Mister Potter." she spit out, clearly perturbed at what was happening in her infirmary.
"It won't knock her out will it.?" he asked and Hermione's eyes shot to his face. How had he know she was frightened of being unconscious again?
The healer looked at the both of them and with a nod of recognition assured them that it would not make her sleep.
She sagged against the pillows in relief and much like Ron had done the night before, allowed Harry to help her take the potion. The ache in her chest disappeared immediately as did the fog in her head that she hadn't even known was there.
Harry handed the bottle back and then stepped from the bed.
Madame Pomfrey turned to talk to Professor McGonagall and for the first time she really looked at him. His hair was a fright, but it usually was. His glasses were slightly askew and his eyes were sad and surrounded by dark circles. His formal tie still hung around his neck and his dress shirt was a wrinkled mess and stained in several spots. His wand was still out and she wondered if it had been that way all night. But it was the set of his jaw and the way he held himself that let her known it had all changed.
She had little time to contemplate over what it all meant though when Professor McGonagall spoke up. "Hermione, dear. We know you've been through a terrible ordeal but.. we need to know, from you, what exactly happened."
She knew this was coming. Of course they would need to know. Of course she would have to talk to them. But the thought of having to tell, in detail, everything that had happened make a wave of nausea pass over her so quickly she truly thought she would be sick.
"Professor Dumbledore has left us the use of his pensieve." the professor said in haste "All we will need is your memory of last night."
The relief she felt was overwhelming. To not have to speak of it. That was more than she could ask for right then. She knew that eventually she would have to. But not right now. Not right then.
She nodded her acceptance and then realized she had no idea where her wand was. Since she had first walked into Olivander's all those years ago, wide eyed and excited, she had never not known where her wand was, never not been further than an arm's reach from it. But before she could even begin to worry and wonder where it could be Harry pulled the familiar form from the waistband of his pants.
Once it was in her hands she immediately felt better, felt more like herself. She met Harry's eyes "Thank you." she whispered, fully aware that these were the first voluntary words she had spoken.
McGonagall brought the pensieve over and held it out for Hermione. She glanced at Harry for support.
"All you have to do is think about..." and he stopped himself abruptly scrubbing a tired hand over his face as if he couldn't believe he was asking her to do this. He tried again "You have to think about the memory you want and then just draw it out and place it in the bowl."
She bit her lip and took a shuddering breath. She could do this.
She raised her wand to her head and then reached a hand out to Harry and laced her fingers through his.
Shutting her eyes, she concentrated on the night before, walking down the corridor towards Slughorn's office and seeing him waiting for her. She grimaced and did as Harry had said, pulling the memory out. It felt...strange was not the right word...it felt as if someone had stuck a feather inside her head and was waving it around. She saw the faint bluish wisp as she drew the memory out and placed it in the bowl.
She didn't open her eyes. She felt exhausted.
"That will do very well, Miss Granger." Professor McGonagall said and took the bowl away.
"With your permission the headmaster and I would like to view this."
Hermione nodded and what she said next shocked herself more than anyone. "I want to see it too." she said it so quietly she didn't know at first if anyone had heard her and then Harry was kneeling next to the bed so that he could be at eye level with her.
"`Mione. You don't have to. They can watch it without you." he said, clearly worried for her.
She opened her eyes and saw his green ones so filled with concern her breath caught. "I have to, Harry. I have to know..." and she choked on the words "I have to know what he..." and she couldn't go on. She knew what her last memory was, knew what he was doing when she finally lost consciousness. Her short lived resolve faltered and the tears returned.
The hand that wasn't captured by hers reached up and stroked her head before he let out a long sigh. "She doesn't know." he said to no one in particular. His head moved forward until their foreheads were touching "He didn't hurt you..." and he cut himself off with a dark laugh, saying she hadn't been hurt was ridiculous. "He didn't hurt you...like that...he didn't `Mione, I swear." and the desperation in his voice made her heart break, how much he needed her to know.
And then Harry's words finally sunk in and she realized that the cold clench in her stomach this entire time had been that particular unknown. "Oh gods." she gasped, completely unable to stop her tears.
Harry didn't move, he just let her cry.
She hated this. All the holes in her memory. All the not knowing. She knew she would need to watch the memory. Knew there were things in there that would answer her questions. Her earlier desire to let it go was quickly fading.
Steeling herself she wiped her face with the sheet and gave Harry's hands a squeeze before turning towards the others. "I'd like to watch it as well." and she saw the shocked expressions on their faces and heard Harry's gasp of surprise.
"Miss Granger, that is not necessary." came Professor McGonagall's incredulous voice.
Hermione leveled her gaze "Yes. It is."
"Very well then. The headmaster and I will view it first and then make it available to you, if that is acceptable."
She nodded, scared but relieved she would get some answers.
"I would like you to get some rest now." Madame Pomfrey spoke up "And I believe it wouldn't hurt if Mister Potter got some food and a change of clothes."
Her eyes went wide at thought of Harry leaving, but she couldn't keep him here with her indefinitely. She needed to be strong. "Of course." she said quickly before turning back to Harry. "You should go, Harry. I'll be fine." voice falsely bright.
But he wasn't buying it for a second, and he leveled her with his eyes "I told you. I'm not going anywhere."
"I appreciate what you've done for me but..." and she trailed off, she couldn't actually bring herself to finish the sentence, it would be a lie, she didn't want Harry to leave.
His hand zipped out and directed her chin towards him, making sure their eyes were locked before he said anything "I'm. Not. Leaving. You. Alone." he said, slowly and deliberately. And then she knew exactly how much last night had affected him as well.
She swallowed heavily and nodded sharply.
"But if you promise to get some rest first I'll go get cleaned up. Ron can come sit with you." he offered
"Thats really not...Ok, if you think Ron won't mind."
"He won't." Harry answered quickly before calling out for their friend. She was shocked that he was still there, she had assumed he had left earlier.
Ron slunk through the curtains and she noticed that he too looked worn down.
"Hey Hermione." he said quietly only coming as far as the foot of the bed.
She gave him a small smile "Hi, Ron."
He started and stopped a few times before raising a hand to run through his already messy hair and she spotted his torn knuckles. "Oh Ron!" she exclaimed and held her hand out, beckoning him to come closer "What happened?" she asked as he placed a hand in hers for inspection. She didn't miss yet another exchange between the two boys but she chose not to ask them about it now. "Nothing to worry about, `Mione. Promise."
Harry spoke up "I'm going to grab a change of clothes quick and Hermione here has promised to take a nap, do you mind...?"
"No, mate. Not at all." Ron said quickly
She didn't quite like all these decisions being made for her without having a say but she was feeling rather tired.
"I'll be back as soon as I can." Harry said to her and then before she could utter a word, pressed an unexpected kiss to her hair and left, grabbing what looked like his dress robes as he did.
Madame Pomfrey again impressed upon her how important it was that she sleep and Professor McGonagall told her she would be back soon with the pensieve and before she knew it it was just her and Ron in the small space.
He gave her another awkward half smile and pulled up a chair, letting his wand rest against his leg.
She knew they needed to talk and she knew that he knew they needed to talk, but he cut her off before she could begin.
"Just go to sleep Hermione. We'll be here when you wake up." he reassured her, before purposely turning his head towards the opening in the curtain.
She thought about protesting but her eyes were heavy and sleep sounded like a very good idea. As she began to drift off she felt comfort in the knowledge that, for the moment, she was safe.