Disclaimer: Harry Potter and company belong to JKR. I'm just taking them for a somewhat odd, non-profit spin.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN:
A rather flustered Hermione Granger climbed the stairs to the second floor. Her heart was still beating faster than normal, and it had nothing to do with the fact that she was practically running up the steps.
The Gryffindor was known for her objectivity and sharp analytical mind, and those tools were no less incisive when she turned them on herself. What was I thinking?! To let Harry kiss her under the circumstances was one thing, but why had she kissed him so thoroughly when it was her turn? And why did I enjoy it so much?
"... you like being in control. He's going to use that against you." That was Harry's warning the night before she left.
At the time she'd laughed it off, denied it. But after what had happened a few minutes ago, the idea was somehow less ludicrous than before.
How could she deny the thrill she'd felt at having Harry tremble under her hands, straining with the need to hold back? And the way she had leaned full against him to take possession of his mouth! What had possessed her?!
What was going on? When Harry had told her what his "other self" had "found out" about her, he hadn't sounded all that surprised. In fact, it had seemed reasonable to him. "You like planning out your life, you like having things in a certain order. And considering what ... happened, maybe you do need to be in control." Those were his exact words.
Was he right? Was this some kind of reaction to what had happened between them? Or - and this possibility was far more disturbing - was this a facet of herself that she was just discovering?
The young witch was so absorbed in her thoughts that she didn't notice the approaching figure until he was practically in front of her.
"Professor?" She peered at him. The poorly-lit Grimmauld often lived up to its name, but even in the bleak light the frown on the older wizard's face was apparent. "What's wrong?" she asked sharply.
"I'm sorry it took me so long to get back. Was Harry ... alright?"
Did he try anything, was what Lupin meant. Hermione hoped he wouldn't notice her flush. "He seemed better," she replied truthfully. "I think the treatments with the pensieve helped."
"Good." Although he sounded relieved, the frown did not leave the wizard's face. Abruptly, he said, "I just received a message. There are complications. We have to administer the antidote immediately, and we can't do it here. Faveure and some of the other members of the Order have set up a place and are already on their way there."
"Why? What complications?" she asked in alarm.
"Something happened during the last test. Our people think it can be dealt with, but the proper equipment has to be in place." He took a deep breath. "I can't take you, Hermione. The place is one of the Order's safe houses. It's unplottable, and I only have clearance for Harry. Besides, we're not sure what difficulties may arise if you're there when we --"
"Do I get a say?"
The pair started at the sardonic interruption. As one, they turned towards its source.
Harry leaned against a nearby wall, his hands stuffed in his pockets. He gazed at Hermione. "I want her with me," he said tightly.
Lupin shook his head. "I'm sorry, Harry, but as I was explaining, that's not possible. It turns out that the antidote has a short lifespan. We have to do this now," he said tersely. "To prepare another batch could take days."
"Then I'll take the next batch! I want Hermione with me," the dark-haired youth insisted. "I'm the one who was dosed with the Solvamus. You tell your uppity friends to clear her or I won't do it!"
His defiance alarmed Hermione. Oh Merlin, she'd almost forgotten that Harry wasn't aware of the deadline! His life and sanity were at stake with every passing day, and he didn't know. The treatments with the pensieve seemed to have steadied him for awhile, but there was no way to know if it had affected the deadline as well. Two or three days. That was all they could be sure of.
"Harry, wait," she began reluctantly. "The potion's ready, and it is important ..."
He didn't even let her finish. "No."
"Harry, be reasonable," Lupin tried.
"NO!" The youth glared at the older wizard as he approached, but when he spoke his words were addressed to Hermione. "You don't understand what it feels like to be without you," he told her roughly. "I can't go through another day of that. Don't ask me to."
Lupin took a step towards him. "I know how you feel, but time is short. Come with me or I'll be forced to -"
Harry's head snapped towards him. "You can try," he growled.
Hermione stepped between the two men just as a chill breeze sprang up and swirled menacingly around the dimly lit corridor. "Professor, please. Excuse us for a minute."
"But -" The older man checked his protest as he caught her eye. "Five minutes. I'm sorry but that's all I can give you."
When Lupin was out of sight, Hermione turned back to the dark-haired youth. "Harry, don't you want to take the potion anymore?"
"Of course I do! But the original plan was to do it here, with just us and Lupin. Why, suddenly, do I need to leave? Why does it have to be done in some safe house with a bunch of wizards I've never met before?" Harry marshaled his reasons, ready to argue with her. "And I really don't like not having you with me -"
"Me neither." The girl grinned at his obvious surprise. "I want to be there. Otherwise, I'll be sick with worry the whole time you're gone. I wanted to see you ..." she broke off, her throat suddenly tight. All this time, she'd assumed that she'd be present when Harry took the potion. And if it worked - oh specially if it worked! - to watch as the Solvamus left him. To look into his eyes, and hold his hand, and know that he was really Harry again.
"Hey." The boy had known the witch too long not to notice the way her voice caught. "What's wrong?"
She shook her head. "Nothing. It's silly."
"No, it's not. Tell me."
"I was ... I was looking forward to seeing my friend again." Hermione raised tear-filled eyes to him, hoping he would understand what she meant and not take it badly.
The sight of her near-tears shook Harry. Even before he'd been dosed with the Solvamus, it was something he'd never liked to see. Then and there, he made a decision. "You will." He gripped one of her hands tightly. "You'll see him again and he'll be just like before," he vowed.
He said it with such sadness. It took a second for Hermione to guess why. "He doesn't need to be exactly like before," she said shyly. "I wouldn't mind him being more open with me ... about the way he feels."
Harry smiled. Completely and openly for the first time in ages, it seemed like. "He - I will. I've been a stupid sod, haven't I?"
"Your words, not mine," Hermione quipped in sudden mischief. As expected, that got another grin. She'd forgotten how wonderfully a smile could transform Harry's face.
Too bad it was so fleeting. "Guess we'll have to do this Lupin's way," he sighed.
"For now," she agreed with the same lack of enthusiasm. It hadn't escaped her notice that Lupin was being evasive. But he cared about Harry, and if what he'd said about the lifespan of the potion was true, they really didn't have much time.
She loosened her grip on Harry's hand, and normally that would've been his cue to let her go.
But this was still Harry under the Solvamus. And though he acknowledged the necessity of going with Lupin, the prospect of being without Hermione again was driving him spare.
Hermione looked up, and what she saw made her go still.
There was need in his eyes, and anguish, and somewhere mixed in all of that, a possessive streak that was disturbingly close to something she had seen before.
"Harry, let go." She said it softly, but it was no less an order for that.
"I don't know how to." His voice was ragged. "It's too soon, Hermione. You just got back. I can't do this again!"
Hermione refused to be cowed. "Let go, Harry, or you will lose me. I swear it."
She waited one beat, two. In another second, she would've reached for her wand or shouted for Lupin.
She didn't need to. Shakily, Harry released her and stepped back. He shoved his hands into his pockets, as if to imprison them. "I - I'll go get ready." He walked away quickly.
On his way, he met the returning professor. Lupin spoke to him briefly, and Hermione caught something about "clothes" and "a few days."
The witch barely hid her surprise in time. A few days?! When her former teacher was near, she didn't say anything, just looked the older man straight in the eye.
"We'll take care of him, I promise," Lupin said.
She nodded tightly. She hoped so, because if Harry came to harm, it'd be because she had convinced him to go. "I trust you, Professor. I just wish you would trust me."
The blunt remark took him aback. "This wasn't my idea, but I honestly believe that this is best."
"The problem with that, Professor, is that you might be wrong," Hermione said coldly. "I know Harry better than you do, and you hardly know me at all. We deserve to understand what we're getting into - you said that yourself once. Or did you change your mind about that, too?" Without waiting for a reply, the irate girl stalked off.
=======
Harry assembled his things with practiced ease.
Hermione watched him from her place by the door. She didn't know who was more surprised when she knocked, her or Harry. "Need help?"
He shook his head and turned back to his bag. Like her, he was obviously used to packing by hand. Since they both came from muggle households, she and Harry usually had to assemble their things without magic the night before they returned to school. Underage wizards were not allowed to use magic while they were home during school holidays, particularly if they were around muggles.
"Think I should bring my invisibility cloak?" Harry asked.
"You have it?" she asked in surprise. Of course! Lupin and Tonks don't know about the invisibility cloak. "Probably not a good idea. They'll be watching you pretty closely."
He nodded, and for some moments there was only the sound and bustle of Harry moving from wardrobe to bag.
Hermione eyed him uncertainly. She still felt strangely unsettled by the whole business. Why was that? Was it disappointment that she wasn't going with Harry and Lupin? That's ridiculous. The important thing is that Harry gets the treatment he needs. It doesn't really matter that I won't be there.
"Bloody hell!"
The soft expletive brought Hermione out of her introspection. She had heard it often enough, but usually not from the green-eyed boy.
Harry dropped the clothes he'd been holding. "I don't want to do this!"
"You don't want to take the potion?"
"You know I do!" He ran his hands through his hair in obvious frustration. "I just thought this would go differently," he muttered.
So had she. She'd pictured being by Harry's side, maybe even holding his hand, lending him support as he took the antidote. But before she could say anything about that, he was talking again.
"Hermione, why won't you come with me? Don't you want to?"
She couldn't believe her ears. "Harry, don't be ridiculous. Of course I -"
"No, you don't." Suddenly Harry was standing right in front of her. "I know you! Nothing could stop you if you really ..."
Nothing, except the looming deadline. Nothing, except the fact that Harry was clearly becoming unstable. One second he was nearly the boy she'd always known, but in the next ... But he wasn't like this when I arrived. He was in control. He kissed me, but he was able to stop. What's so different between now and then? And then she knew.
"Harry, I'm on your side," she stated. "I don't like Professor Lupin's idea any more than you. I already told you that, and I certainly made it clear to the professor. But the potion is important."
The teenager took a deep breath. "I know, but I really hate this. You don't know how it feels, Hermione," he continued raggedly. "When you're not around, when I can't even touch your mind, everything feels empty."
Silence fell between them at his awkward admission. Then Hermione said, "Well ... who says we can't?"
"Huh?"
"Touch minds, Harry." For some reason she found herself blushing. "We've been meeting in my dreams. Why can't we do that even if we're apart?"
"But," Harry thought of the distance, of the unplottable safehouse he was supposed to go to, "I wouldn't know how to find you."
"Yes, you would. Just think of Grimmauld. I'll take a nap after you leave, and I'll call out to you." She gave him a depreciating half-smile. "I'm so tired, it'll be easy."
"You haven't slept much, have you?" he asked suddenly. Now that he was paying attention, it was easy to catch the tell-tale signs. He knew the look of Hermione pulling an all-nighter. Actually, they'd all seen each other in this state at one time or another.
"Sorry." He was appalled that he hadn't noticed earlier. "I'm being a right ass, aren't I? Standing here, spouting off, when you must be exhausted."
And there he was again, the Harry she'd known all her life, his awkward concern real and touching. "It's nothing we haven't done before," she dismissed lightly.
"Yeah, but you always seem to be taking the brunt of it," he said gruffly. He wanted so badly to touch her that he shoved his hands into his pockets again. "Go sleep. I'm okay."
She nodded. Then, completely on impulse, she leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. "Good luck, Harry."
She left quickly, but nor before she saw the boy lift a hand to his cheek. And smile.
==========
Of course she couldn't sleep yet. She waited downstairs until the men were ready. Because of the wards around Grimmauld, Lupin and Harry would have to be outside before they could apparate.
Lupin arrived first. "What about you, Hermione?" he asked. "You don't have to stay. You could go home. I'd owl as soon as we have news. Or I could get someone to stay with you. Maybe Arthur or Molly could drop by? Or you could stay with them. I'm sure you'd be welcome at the Burrow."
Hermione bit her lip. The mention of Ron's parents brought another question to mind. "Professor, do Mr. and Mrs. Weasley know ... everything?"
To her immense relief, the wizard shook his head. "I told them about the Solvamus, and that Harry ... attacked you under its influence. They know you were hurt, and that the potion's caused Harry to obsess about you, but not the details."
So Ron rushed over knowing only that Harry hurt me, Hermione thought. But he began to guess what actually happened when he saw how I was, and how Harry was acting. And then I told him that Harry hadn't gotten that far. That's why Ron suddenly acted the jealous prat. The red-haired boy had never taken surprises of that kind well. "Maybe it's best for now that I stay. If you take more than a couple of days, then we'll see. You will return here after?"
"Of course." Lupin hesitated. "You will be careful? Don't forget that there are Death Eaters about. Have your wand close at all times, and just in case anything happens while we're gone, use this." He handed her a small, flat leather pouch the size of a keycase.
She glanced at it curiously. "What is it?"
"The bronze medallion inside is a portkey. One touch will instantly transport you to a wooded park outside London. It's not registered with the Ministry, but it's keyed to my wand and Tonks'. If you use it, we'll know."
Predictably, Hermione's eyes lit up with interest. She opened the pouch carefully and examined the medallion. Then she shut it and slipped the case into her jeans pocket. "How clever! I'll return it as soon as I can. Thank you, professor."
"You're welcome." The girl's obvious delight and curiosity elicited a grin from the jaded wizard. He was glad that some things about his former student hadn't changed. He'd bet a dozen galleons that at this moment the Gryffindor prefect was recalling the process for turning objects into portkeys, and wondering how they could be hidden from the Ministry of Magic. Given time, she would probably figure it out, too.
A bit reluctantly he brought matters back to the subject at hand. "I'm sorry about this," he said awkwardly. "If we had time, I'd explain."
"Just cure Harry, Professor. That's all that matters."
"I'm glad you got him to see reason. I would've hated having to bind him -"
"Like I said, you could try." Harry moved down the stairs. He had a knapsack slung over one shoulder. "Though I'd agree to be bound in any way if that meant Hermione could come with us."
"Sorry." Because Lupin didn't want to go through another argument, he muttered a brief farewell to Hermione and stepped outside, leaving the door slightly ajar.
Harry shrugged and turned to the brown-haired witch. "I'll see you later, I guess?" His eyes sparkled.
"Later," Hermione agreed.
"Get some rest," he said, touching her hand.
"You, too. As much as you can." Hermione moved her hand, and their fingers caught. Now that he was actually leaving, she felt nervous and worried. "You will take care? Come back safely."
"Don't I always?" he grinned.
"Harry Potter, this is not a joke!" she said, exasperated that he could poke fun at a situation that had them both on tenterhooks.
"I will. I promise, Hermione," he soothed when he saw how serious she was. "Whatever happens, I'll come back to you."
"You better. And in good shape," she added for good measure.
"Whatever you say," Harry agreed, smiling at her concern for him.
The smile evaporated when Lupin called him. The two teenagers nodded at each other, not quite able to bring themselves to say goodbye. They parted quickly; Harry strode outside.
Hermione shut the thick wooden door behind them. Slowly, she made her way upstairs. She wondered if this was how Harry had felt when she had left. Suddenly the old mansion seemed grimmer than ever.
=========
As the tired witch predicted, it wasn't hard to fall asleep. But the rest of it wasn't so easy. For some reason, the control she'd been able to exert over her dreams eluded her at first. She had no idea how much time passed before she finally found herself in Hogwarts.
This time she was sitting on one of the huge boulders dotting the lakeside. She called out Harry's name several times. It was a long, nervous wait before the familiar figure in shirt, jeans and jacket appeared.
"Finally!" Hermione got to her feet, and smiled in relief. Until this moment, she hadn't been sure that this would work. "How are you?"
Harry was frowning. "Unconscious, I think. They put me to sleep almost as soon as we arrived."
"Are there a lot of wizards?" she asked curiously.
"I'm not sure. At least five. I met Faveure. He's much older than Snape, and he's got these fantastically thick eyebrows. They look like furry caterpillars, like they'd go crawling off on their own given half the chance." He waggled his eyebrows to demonstrate, making Hermione laugh. Impulsively, he hugged her. "I'm glad this worked. I didn't think it would."
"I wasn't sure, either." Now that he was here, she could admit it. She hugged him back. "I'm so happy to see you, Harry. I've missed you, the real you."
"Was he giving you a lot of trouble then?" he mumbled into her hair. No need to explain who "he" was.
"Nothing I couldn't handle."
"I noticed," he said wryly. He drew away and held her at armslength. "You didn't have to do that, you know."
"I know." She knew he was referring to the way she had let his potion-addled self kiss her. He looked so somber. She touched his face gently. "Harry, I did miss you."
"We've always missed each other, but that's never translated to snogging before," he pointed out, trying to make light of it. He would've succeeded, too, if he hadn't been blushing.
Hermione turned a matching red. "Don't ask me to explain. It just felt right at the time. Actually, it feels right ... now," she slowly realized.
His eyes widened. "Hermione?"
"If I kissed him, why not you?" she argued, tipping her face up towards his. "Because believe me, I missed you more." It was true. This was the boy she'd known all her life; he had never hurt her and she trusted him. This was the real Harry, and a kiss between them would be different. But how different? Suddenly, she realized that she needed to find out.
Harry swallowed. He could see that she was completely serious. "You don't have to prove anything."
"I know," she repeated. "Maybe that's part of why I want to. Only," she hesitated, "would you understand if I said this doesn't change things between us? I'm not sure where this is going yet. I wish I could, but it's all a bit sudden, and Snape's potion ..."
Her honesty and directness, so typically Hermione, took his breath away. "I don't deserve you," he said in utter earnestness. "I don't deserve any kind of chance. What I did to you -" What the waking part of me still wants to do, he was about to say.
"Stop." Her fingers hovered above his lips. "This is not the time to talk about that. Will you kiss me, Harry?"
He found that he couldn't answer her. His throat moved but no words came out. Come on Harry, you've faced Voldemort, Death Eaters and giant snakes, he scolded himself, surely you have the courage to kiss the one girl you've always wanted. But in the next second all his doubts assailed him. What if it didn't work out? He was risking their friendship, trying to shoot for something more. What if it destroyed their relationship? He remembered how he and Cho barely spoke to each other now. It would be unbearable if that happened to him and Hermione.
But then, things had already changed. He had told her how he felt, and his waking self had pushed those boundaries further. And that, finally, was what made him act. He couldn't let her only kisses come from that potion-addled bloke! If by some miracle all of this worked out, it would be him and Hermione, and he had to remind her what he was really like.
Brushing all doubts aside, he cradled her face gently in his hands. He tilted his head and leaned forward to brush Hermione's lips with her own. Oh they were so soft, and sweeter than anything he could've imagined. He struggled to keep it light at first, but each time he returned to her lips the contact lasted a little longer, until he was pressing fully against the wet softness of her mouth.
He parted his lips slightly to catch hers, and groaned as she kissed him back. Her hands sank into his hair, drawing him closer, and suddenly his world was Hermione - the scent of her, the warmth of her, the reality of her in his arms. Merlin, he could do this forever! His hands fell to her neck as he began to tease her lips with his tongue...
Suddenly, something yanked at him. There was a vicious tug on his insides that practically jerked him away from her.
"Hey, what's ...?" Hermione's soft gaze sharpened as she met wide, confused green eyes. "Harry, what is it?"
"I ... I'm not sure."
"What do you mean ..." Her voice became urgent as he doubled over. "What's wrong?" She was by his side in an instant.
"I don't know - ahh!" He clutched his stomach, shutting his eyes in pain. "The potion - it's ... Merlin!" he exclaimed as another cramp wracked his body.
"Harry!" She wracked her mind frantically for anything that might help. But there were too many unknowns! Would magic even work in this dream state? "Tell me what I can do, how to help!"
"I - I don't ... can't ..." Even the effort to speak took its toll. He opened his eyes as another spasm of pain shook him. He felt the tug again, much stronger now, and suddenly he knew that he didn't have much time. With his last breath, he struggled to warn her. "Hermione, be careful. The Solvamus numbs regret, doubt ... He - he's not as sorry as I am about ... He doesn't realize how much he hurt you ... He only understands that doing things that way will make him lose you ..."
And right before her shocked eyes, from under her hands, Harry faded and disappeared.
Hermione bolted awake. "Harry!" She grabbed her wand, flew out of her bed and out the door. She had no idea where she was going, except that she had to get out of Grimmauld and find Harry.
She was halfway down the stairs when the thick door at the bottom of the hall shuddered and swung open. She froze in shock.
Because Harry was there, standing in the doorway. He was pale and disheveled, his clothes were in disarray, and there was a strip of cloth dangling from his right arm.
Instantly Hermione understood why Lupin hadn't wanted to take her. Either they couldn't use binding spells, or he and the others had thought the spells wouldn't be enough. They had tied Harry down.
And he had broken through it all. Harry had escaped at least five experienced wizards and their spells, and the physical restraints that held him! The realization sent Hermione's heart thudding. Lupin and Tonks had told her about Harry doing something like this before, but this was the first time she'd seen it, or at least the clear aftermath of it, herself.
Even through the apprehension, Hermione was riveted by the jagged thick strip of cloth on the boy's wrist. Harry, what did they do to you? What did you let them do? Because the fact that Harry was standing before her now was an obvious display of power.
His head lifted and he saw her. "Hermione," he groaned. And then he stepped inside, stumbled and started to fall.
"Harry!" Putting all other considerations aside, Hermione ran to catch him. She got there barely in time to keep his head from hitting the hard stone floor.
She cradled his head carefully in her lap. He looked exhausted, almost as bad as the day he'd returned from the trial with Cedric's body and the Triwizard Cup. "What happened?" she asked softly.
"Took the ... potion," was all he could manage before he lapsed into unconsciousness.
Hermione bit her lip. It was only one look, she told herself, one quick glance into green, blurry eyes, and who knows what he's been through? But she couldn't shake the conviction that the boy in her arms wasn't the Harry she'd just kissed in her dreams.
A/N: I'm really sorry this took so long, specially because the last chapter received the most number of reviews (which I really loved - thanks, everyone!). Lots of things happened recently, none of which made me feel like writing. Let's put that another way - my writing turned to mush, and I don't mean the good kind. Actually, it still feels like that. :p So much for my July objective (I was aiming, with a bit of cramming, to finish this before the 7th HP book came out, but that's not possible anymore). I think it might be because I've lost some belief in the things I've tried to write about here (love, enduring friendship). Like I said, lots of things going on right now.
That this chapter was posted at last is mostly due to herdanhar's review. I'd just come from a trip, I decided to check email, I read the reviews and after danni said she'd read the whole story again because she'd missed it, I just had to. So you see, reviews do help. Thanks, danni. :) Just to be clear: I am not giving up on _Biding_. If it takes another year (though hopefully not), I'll finish it. I just need some encouragement. :)