Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.
Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 18: Of Giving and
Herself
Date Begun: Monday, September 6, 2004
Date
Finished: Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Date Posted: Tuesday, April 26,
2005
The only gift is a portion of thyself.
Ralph Waldo Emerson 1803-1882
……
Just as they were finishing breakfast, the Potters' owl-which Lily had used to deliver her letter to Rebecca-swooped in, dropping a piece of parchment in front of Lily. She snatched it from the air and scanned it, sighing in relief at Rebecca's affirmative, if inquisitive, reply. She fended off James's and Sirius's questions and perked up at Remus's suggestion for a walk and Peter's offer to make hot chocolate. James declined to come, citing fatigue as his excuse. Peter hastily said that he would also stay at the house to keep James company.
Remus, Sirius, and Lily went to get their coats and Lily walked back out into the hall just as Remus did. He led her downstairs and in a direction she had not explored, near the study, which Lily had never been in. They passed the room and Remus opened a door in a niche Lily had not seen before.
"Oh-that's beautiful."
They were on some sort of balcony; the view was of a sweeping, snowy landscape that continued flatly for about fifteen meters before the edge of the woods appeared. This was obviously the back of the house, but the angle from inside was not correct-Lily would never understand the proportions and workings of magical houses. The sun was shining brightly but with little warmth, and the sunbeams bounced off the snow crystals and made the world seem so bright Lily could hardly stand it.
Sirius appeared, holding two cups and keeping one squeezed between the crook of his elbow. Lily and Remus darted forward, each taking a cup and leaving Sirius with one before they started down a set of stairs in the corner. Lily skimmed her bare hand over the snow on the balustrade and it went flying into the early morning air, settling on her face and hair so lightly she barely felt it. She wrapped her wet hand around her drink and felt it chase away the chill in her blood. She sipped blissfully as they began trudging across the flat land to the woods.
"Where are we going?" she asked after a moment of companionable silence.
"There's an old track in the woods," Sirius answered. "It's beautiful this time of year."
Lily sighed happily, always having loved snow, especially in trees. They entered the woods and the world immediately became darker, a startling contrast to the blinding light reflecting off the snow in the open land. It smelled crisp and fresh and like any other winter morning, with pine sap frozen but still slightly fragrant and with snow falling from branches and down Lily's collar. She shivered but withstood the wet just for the sheer beauty of the morning.
"Is Peter always like that?" Lily asked after a moment of quiet.
"Like what?" Remus sipped from his cup, meeting Lily's eyes with a curious, yet also knowing, gaze.
"So…such a follower. He could have come. He didn't need to stay with James."
Sirius sighed. "Peter isn't like us, Evans. He always…wants to gain favor, especially from James. He'll do anything to be accepted."
"Surely not anything," Lily corrected.
"Anything," Sirius repeated firmly. "He'd kill if it meant staying our friend."
Lily shivered, hoping to never get on the bad side of any of the Marauders.
"Well," Remus said cheerfully, "how's James?"
Lily deliberately misunderstood. "Why, he's fine. You just saw him in the kitchen."
Sirius snorted. "He meant how's he as a shag, Evans. Good? Bad? Macabre?"
"Macabre?" Lily raised a brow and finished her hot chocolate. The cup instantly refilled, steaming, and Lily took a long draught to warm herself.
Sirius himself looked rather puzzled. "It seemed to fit. What does macabre mean, anyway? Ghoulish, is it?"
Remus nodded. "Interesting choice of words, Padfoot. So, is shagging James ghastly, Lily? I imagine it would be the first few times. Not what you expected, eh?"
Lily and Sirius looked at Remus, perplexed. "What on earth are you talking about?" Lily asked, and Sirius nodded to back up her question.
Remus paused. Lily felt Sirius tense beside her. "Moony," he said quietly. "You know I've done more than enough stupid things in my life-but please-wait until you've gotten your facts straight. Do you really want to start something you may not finish?"
Remus looked straight ahead and answered neither one of them.
"Wait-what do you mean, Remus? Black? What was he talking about?"
Sirius shook his head. "This one's not for us to explain, Evans," he said coldly. "Jeez, Prongs has got a thing for annoying redheads."
Remus spilled some of his hot chocolate on the ground and the snow instantly melted, there one moment and gone the next. He looked at Sirius, his eyes wide, his mouth open. "Wait-has he-Padfoot!"
"We should get back," Sirius said, his face closed off. He turned and began walking back to the Potter residence.
"Black!" Lily yelled, running to catch up with him and balancing her hot chocolate with one hand. "What the bloody hell did you mean back there?"
Sirius continued walking, showing no sign that he had heard her. Lily slowed when she heard steps behind her and whirled to face Remus.
"Remus," she said pleadingly. "Please tell me what you meant. I've got to know. What were you talking about?"
"Don't ask me, Lily," Remus said gruffly. "I'm just beginning to think I don't know James as well as I thought I did."
"That's mad," Lily stated flatly. "You're one of his best friends. And he respects you so much-the way he talks about you-"
"Pillow talk, Lily?" Remus asked, smiling wryly. "I didn't peg you for the type. Considering what James told me of your so-called `relationship', I figured you'd just shag him and be done with it."
"We're friends," Lily said stubbornly. "Just friends."
"And you've got no other feelings for him besides a healthy dose of lust, right?"
Lily began backing away. Remus caught her arm. "Do you always bolt when you come against something that you don't want to face? It's a cowardly thing to do."
"I don't have feelings for James," Lily whispered, licking her lips. "He even told me not to have feelings for him!" Her voice was high and strained and it cut through the air like a knife. Remus's eyes widened.
"All right," he said hastily, looking almost afraid to see her cry. "You don't care about him or like him or love him-let's go back to the house."
"Thank you," she said shakily, knowing she had won. However, she rather felt that she had lost something huge, instead of gaining a small victory.
......
Lily sat in her room that night at half-past eight reading a letter she had received from Vince, a short note telling her almost nothing. He spoke briefly about how Bellatrix Black had gotten engaged to a man six years older than her from another pureblood family: the Lestranges. Arrangements were being made for Vince's brother Lucius to marry Narcissa Black.
Vince had not mentioned anything about his own marriage. Lily knew without a doubt that it would have been discussed and that he had purposely left out any mention of it. Lily was disgusted-Lucius Malfoy was six years older than Narcissa Black.
She had spent the day in her room, finishing her Herbology essay and leaving her History of Magic one for later. It had been the best way to avoid Sirius and Remus, and she hoped James did not thinks eh was avoiding him by association.
"Lily?"
Lily looked up at the sound of Clark Potter's voice and hesitated. She had not seen him since the conversation she and James had had about him leaving Sabia, and she was not sure how to act around him now. She supposed she should continue on as if she had never found out, but it was hard. Part of her was angry-but another part understood where he had been coming from. Once you took a job you kept it. It was an obligation.
"Yes?"
"I've been sent to bring you out to the living room. Family tradition: we sit up with James to usher in his birthday." Clark looked around her room and stood awkwardly. Lily bit her lip and nodded, putting away the letter, sure he knew what she was doing.
She followed him down to the living room, where everyone was amassed on top of the couches, food spread out and the radio blaring softly. Lily sat down on the couch next to Sirius, noting the cold look James threw her from his armchair.
Great…spiffing, Lily-he thinks your childish and avoiding him-and just after you made up this morning, too!
They listened to the music and talked quietly for the better part of an hour. Lily looked at James's drawn face and wondered why no one tried to talk to him, and then she realized that they only sat up with him so he would not be alone.
It was a depressing thought.
Lily shivered and tuned back into the conversation, but she was lost. She glanced at Sirius, who was gesticulating wildly about something, sighing in annoyed amusement. She felt James's glare on her back and she turned to look at him. He met her eyes, his gaze dull, and then he looked at Sirius. His eyes flicked back to Lily, over to Sirius, and then to Lily again. He sighed and looked at the floor.
Sabia asked James a question but Lily did not hear it. She was too busy pondering what James's strange look had meant. It reminded her of the other night when they had been at the theatre and he had told her that boy had liked her….
Oh, fuck.
Lily sat up straight in her chair and looked over at James, her hand over her mouth. No one noticed her. James answered his mother and then turned to Lily, his face set and grim.
I DON'T LIKE SIRIUS! she wanted to yell more than anything, but it was not possible to do so. She would have to wait until they were alone. She could ask for a word in the hall, but then everyone else would be curious.
She glanced at her watch. It was only half-past ten.
……
"Happy birthday, dear," Sabia said, leaning over and hugging James, who looked up and smiled. He hugged his dad and his parents bade the five of them goodnight before going to their room to sleep.
"Well," Peter said, glancing between Lily, James, and Sirius. Lily had to wonder whether his friends did not give him as much credit as he deserved. He seemed unusually perceptive for someone they put down so much.
"Right." Sirius got up and clapped James on the shoulder. "Happy birthday, mate."
Remus and Peter stood with Sirius, whishing James a happy birthday and leaving the room. It was just after midnight. James got up to leave and Lily jumped to her feet to halt him. "Wait!"
He rubbed his hand over his face. "Yes, Lily?"
"I…you don't think…do you think Sirius and I like each other?" she blurted, taking a step closer.
He paused, a wry smile overtaking his face. "What happened to calling him `Black', Lily?"
Lily paused and could not find the words to express what she meant. "I don't…he doesn't…."
James tried to push past her but she stepped in front of the door. "Don't you dare leave this room, James," she said firmly. "You're the one who said this would just be fuck and go. You've got no right to care if Sirius and I like each other, which we don't-and never would…and you…you shouldn't be jealous, because then that means you…care…"
"So what?" he hissed, gripping her upper arms and glaring at her. The look in his eyes startled her…she had seldom seen someone look so angry. "If I care about you, can you really blame me? We've slept together at least once every day since Christmas Eve, right-?"
"Not every day," Lily said faintly, simply to interrupt him.
"Don't be so literal," he snapped. "You're not as easy to hate as you think."
Lily's head was swimming. This information was too much for her. "You weren't supposed to…you even told me not to…"
"But I did. What're you going to do, slap me with your bloody imitation Slytherin-ness?"
"I should. This wasn't supposed to mean anything." She looked up and met his eyes, which were even angrier. She had not known that was possible.
"Well you aren't exactly indifferent, love," he said sarcastically. "I don't see you shagging me and leaving straight away."
Lily's breathing sped up. "I don't give a damn about you," she said heavily. "I haven't fallen for you, James. You told me not to, so I haven't!"
There was a horrible, hideous silence that choked Lily's throat and pressed on her chest, but then it was gone and she was free to breathe. Her anger had gone.
"Not even a little bit?" James cocked his head to the side inquisitively.
She shook her head and he took a step even closer, rubbing his hands along her arms. He bent his head down and sweetly kissed her lips, bringing his hand up and dragging the backs of his fingers down her cheek. He planted small kisses along her trembling jaw and up her cheekbone, finally resting his mouth against her temple and breathing gently. Lily's hands came up and gripped his shirt as she closed her eyes and tried to keep her balance.
"Happy birthday," she said finally, whispering and trying to forget that he was being hypocritical. She put her arms around him and lightly kissed his neck, breathing in the sweet scent of his skin until she pulled away without a word and went to bed, leaving his question only partly answered.
……
She woke early the next morning when she had the unnerving sense of someone watching her. Her eyes blinked open and she saw that early morning light was filtering through the window, lighting upon the soft blue walls and reflecting off the crystal vase on the dresser.
She turned over on her side and saw James sitting in a chair by her bed, leaning back and staring at her from beneath hooded eyes. He smiled slightly at her when he saw that she was awake and sat up. She had the sudden image of herself in a hospital bed in the very same position, with him sitting in a chair and watching over her, but she shook it off and swallowed.
"What're you doing?" she asked, her voice scratchy. "Why're you sitting there?"
He paused. "Now that…now that you know I…well, I can finally do what I want to do."
Lily thought about it but could not understand. She blinked and nodded, feeling especially affectionate towards him at the moment. She moved her hand slowly and held it out for him to take, which he did, joining her under the covers. It was extremely cold but he was very warm, and she threw an arm across his chest, laying her head down on his shoulder. He twisted against her and put one of his arms around her back.
"This is nice," he said. "I've got you right where I want you."
"Where's that?" Lily asked through a yawn.
"Trapped inside my strong, manly, athletic arms," James said with a straight face.
"Fuck you," Lily sighed.
"I'm working on it."
"Happy birthday," she added, pressing closer and curling up against him. He was so very warm.
"You already said that to me today," he said after an awkward pause.
"Mmm," Lily replied, shutting her eyes. "Why…do you hate your birthday?"
He touched his forehead to the top of her head and breathed deeply. "No reason," he sighed. "Just do."
"Not true," Lily argued, wondering why they were talking in half-sentences. She ran her fingers along his bicep. "You hate it."
James laughed bitterly. "When I was little I used to tell people my age. Then they'd ask when my birthday was. And when they found out I was born on December 31st they did the math…and they suddenly got very busy and stopped talking to me, like I was the plague or a bloody infection or something-it was ridiculous…Now I know to just keep my mouth shut and not mention it."
"December 31, 1960," Lily said, repeating it over and over in her mind. Instead of the realization hitting her like a freight truck, the knowledge trickled in slowly and she shut her eyes when she had the full picture, hugging him tightly.
When Lily was younger, in her first three years of Hogwarts, she had never really understood why some people cringed when she said Happy New Year. In History of Magic in fourth year, they had learned about the strange events on New Year's, 1960. It had been one of the worst attacks ever in the Wizarding world. Lily now distinctly remembered the way James had always gone pale if someone mentioned it. She remembered the strange looks he had occasionally received.
"So…just because you were born on…a day when such terrible things happened…you don't like it?"
"I was born inside the Ministry," he said after a moment, his words muffled against her hair. Lily looked up so quickly her forehead smashed against his chin. She winced and he apologized, rubbing his fingers over her forehead.
"So when Remus said you were a Ministry baby…"
"That's what he meant," James finished flatly. "That my mother went into labor when she was delivering some papers to my dad and she was so startled by the first volley of spells that she went into bloody labor."
"James-"
"Don't talk," he snapped. "It was the Malfoys. Who hated each other? The Potters and the Malfoys. So I guess Tiberius Malfoy's last wish was to see the Potter line destroyed…so they attacked the Ministry so they could kill me and my mum. It didn't work out that way, did it, now? Vince knows it. He hates me. Everyone knows that the reason so many people died that night was because of me. Because I was in the building and I was born in the bleeding Department of Mysteries…it's not fair, you know? All that was indirectly my fault. All those mothers and fathers and sons and brothers and sisters…they all died because of a stupid feud where the point was to kill me."
"Not necessarily," Lily began.
"It's horrifying that they have that much power," James said quietly. "There must have been at least two hundred people attacking that day. And the Malfoys orchestrated it all because my parents were getting too close to their secrets. And now-they're behind Voldemort. If they can take away the lives of so many people to try to murder three people-what will they be able to do with the money they have? Weed out the Muggles from our society? Breed anger? I think that's all they want to do: spread hate."
"Well…do you blame yourself?" she asked after a long silence.
"Slightly…not really," James said. "When I was little I didn't get it. Then I got older and I blamed myself. But now I just…I figure somehow something just as bad would have happened. At least I was the good thing that came out of this. Where would you be now if I hadn't been born, huh?"
He was back to being playful. His voice had gone to cheerful so quickly Lily was dizzy, but she let it go. She finally knew why he hated his birthday-she did not need to examine his feelings further.
Knowing was quite enough for her at the moment.
"We should go," James said. Lily looked up and glanced out the window, seeing that the morning light was much brighter. It must have been about eight. "We have to help decorate the Grand Room."
"The Grand Room?" Lily teased, smiling up at him. "You'd think you lived in a mansion."
James smiled back and held her gaze for just a moment too long. Lily's breath caught when she remembered what had happened the previous night-or this morning. The conversation they had held had revealed more than she had ever wanted to know, but now that she did, something had fallen away from the constant weight on her shoulders. Her burden had been lightened slightly by knowing that she meant more to him than a good shag, because they had been good shags. Very good shags.
His arms tightened around her and he did not take his eyes from hers, rubbing his toe against her ankle and sending a bolt of heat all the way through her body to her head, where it made her feel slightly dizzy.
She opened her mouth to speak but he leaned down and took a kiss, pulling away gently, not having shut his eyes yet. "Don't ruin it, Lily," he requested, his warm breath fanning her cheek.
Lily swallowed hard and finally broke eye-contact, feeling almost physical pain at the loss. She rolled out of his arms and let her feet hit the floor, rushing to the bathroom and slamming the door before sliding to the floor against it, breathing hard. After she had composed herself she turned on the water and brushed her teeth as she waited for it to reach the proper temperature. Obviously the heating charms in this room had not been renewed recently, and she was loath to go back into her room and retrieve her wand so she could do it herself.
She finished with her teeth and stepped into the shower, letting the unforgiving hot water turn her skin a vibrant pink color. She scrubbed vigorously at herself and her hair until she was the very definition of pink and clean, then stepped out of the shower and wrapped herself in a towel.
She did not expect James to still be in her room but he was, sitting against the headboard, his posture relaxed and his eyes on the bed. He looked up from his focus on the coverlet and trailed impassive eyes over her towel clad body. The towel was one of the larger ones and it draped awkwardly over her slightly lanky frame, but he betrayed nothing of what he thought. Her hair was plastered to her neck in such a way that it itched. Lily shifted, dripping on the carpet, and then paused.
She had no gift for James except herself.
Hesitatingly, she took a step forward and let the towel slip, shivering when the cold air of the room met her damp body and soaking hair. She crawled towards him on the bed, seeing his eyes flicker to her chest and then her face.
"James," she said haltingly.
"Lily," he replied.
"This time…I'm on top."
He actually laughed. "Alright, Lily."
"And James…"
"Yes?"
"It just for you, you know. Not anyone else. This time it's just for you."
James cocked his head to the side, his expression serious as he considered her. He seemed to understand what she meant perfectly. "And for you, as well," he finally agreed, reaching out a hand and pulling her forearm hard, laying her down in the rumpled sheets and letting the water from her hair soak the pillow. It was not long before his clothes were gone too, and when he tentatively leaned his head down between her thighs, she was infinitely arching towards him, and never away.
……
Lily never knew what woke her an hour later, but she reckoned it was some sort of self-preservatory sense.
She looked over at James, taking in his fair skin and the dark shadows his lashes made under his eyes, and the way he lay sprawled out over the bed, confident that it was his territory. She tried to muster anger that he felt so at home in her bed, but then again, it wasn't really her bed, was it? It belonged to him more than it did to her.
She leaned over him, brushing some of his hair off his face and leaning down to skim her lips over his cheek. Her hand was still entwined with his and she drew it away slowly, her breathing labored.
She had to leave. She was supposed to meet Rebecca at her own house at three, and she had to get there before the other girl to make sure things were okay. Vince was coming to get them sometime before seven, although Lily forgot exactly when.
Normally when she remembered that she was dating Vince, she pulled away from James, but the thought of returning to the blond boy's company was so foreign after James's warmth that she moved closer to the person next to her, sniffling slightly.
She was in love with James, and curse it, she could do nothing. She had never known anything as sweet as his mouth or his fingers against her, as the feel of him inside her body, as the way he kissed her. She wouldn't be able to have that once she left this house, and leave she must. She chewed at her lip, swallowing a lump of tears and fighting the urge to cry. She had already told James she could have nothing to do with him, and he had made it clear that although he had feelings for her, undefined feelings, he still didn't want a relationship with her. It was too late to take it back now. Nothing she said could remedy the situation in the short time they had left. Nothing could ever really remedy it. So why stay? She had no reason to stay if she couldn't have James, and she couldn't.
Fifteen minutes later found Lily packed and tiptoeing to the front hall, her wand in her hand. It was ten in the morning, and she heard voices down the hall, floating up the staircase from the Grand Room. They got louder and Lily walked faster, wincing when she heard Sirius's voice.
"Lily! Do you know where…are you leaving?"
Despite herself, Lily rolled her eyes, glancing at her trunk behind her. She raised an eyebrow at Sirius.
"Where's James?" Sirius demanded, his voice suddenly cold.
Lily did not answer, but she saw his eyes follow hers as she looked up the stairs to her former room, where James was still asleep.
"Merlin and Agrippa curse it all, Evans," Sirius swore. "I told you not to screw with my best friend. Dump your bloody Malfoy bastard. He's just using you. James wants you-not that I know why. James is worth ten of Malfoy-and you-are you okay?"
Even though he was angry with her, the concern showed through. Lily flicked her wand at her trunk, tears blurring her vision, and then stepped away from Sirius. He darted in front of her and called for Remus and Peter before she could move more than a foot. The other boys appeared within moments and came towards Lily and Sirius. Lily was trying to sidestep Sirius, tears of fury now almost totally obscuring visibility. Sirius blocked her every time she moved.
"Lily? Sirius? What's wrong?" Remus asked, his gaze going from one to the other.
"Ask her," Sirius growled, glaring. "She's leaving. And James is in her room. Wonder what happened there?" He took a step forward, towering over Lily. "Couldn't handle it, could you?"
For that brief second, as Lily locked eyes with Sirius Black, she realized that he understood her better than she understood herself. She took a steady breath and moved forward until she was nose to nose with him.
"I…like James. Very much. But now isn't the time to make Vince mad. He'd know…it was because of James, and I don't want either of them hurt over this…mistake." She gave a watery laugh, knowing she couldn't care less what happened to Vince. "James told me that there was no chance of-I mean, if I left Vince for James-what with his parents and all…come on, Sirius. James'll move on. I'll deal. It's not like you find your soul mate at seventeen or anything. It was a learning experience, alright? Maybe…later. When it's all blown over and Vince doesn't suspect I'm here and if the circumstances are-are better. I can't…describe…please let me through. I need to go."
"So you're just going to leave James with no explanation? None of us is going to explain for you." Remus's voice was even but his eyes were cold as ice when he met Lily's eyes.
Lily had been counting on just that. She threw a look at Peter, who looked confused but also had the look of someone who was figuring something out. He had always scared her with his shrewdness.
"Couldn't you…?"
"No." Sirius stepped out of her way. "Get out."
"Don't be so dramatic," she snapped shakily, but the situation called for it. She stepped into the crisp morning and heard the door slam behind her, then Sirius's voice raised in rage. Something shattered inside the house and Lily winced.
She hurried to hail the Knight Bus before James woke.
What a gift to give him on his eighteenth birthday.
……
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