Title: We're Bound To Be Afraid
Rating: PG
Summary: "I'm scared for you," she says.
Warning: Very weird sappiness. And it [the fic] is all over the place.
Notes: I was inspired by the UK GOF trailer, when Hermione says "I'm scared for you,
Harry." That sent my creativity going like a roller coaster.
Dedication: For Frances, who has encouraged me so much. Thanks for being fabulous, F. *hugs* Hope you like this. Even if I don't.
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"I'm scared for you," she says.
You don't know what to say to that. What can you say? You don't blame her for feeling that way; you don't know yourself whether you'll live through this fight or not. You can't predict your death; not even your chance to live. If you get one.
You can't lie and reassure her that you'll come out alive; life doesn't work like that. And she knows that you can't promise anything.
But you'll assure her anyway that you will get out alive and safe. You don't want to worry her - and you can't let yourself be the cause of her fretting. And you want to convince yourself at the same time that you'll be alright in the end. Yet you know you won't be.
And you've never been a good source of comfort. You never know what to say when your friends are in distress. You've never been one to lead; yet here you are, guiding the wizarding people to work as a team, billions becoming one, to fight against Voldemort. You're not saying false lies meant to comfort and soothe them; you tell them the truth. You expose them to reality.
You always feel useless in these kinds of situations. You can't say anything that will make people feel better; instead, you can only say things that will bring them down.
It's not like you can help yourself the way you are. This is life as you have always known it: harsh, unfeeling, cold. You know that in this world, no one cares about you at all. They only want the fame, the glory, the hero. And you don't give them it. You give them nothing.
And they give you nothing in return.
So you don't even try to ease others. Why lie to them and tell them that everything will be fine, when in the end they'll find out that they've been deceived all this time? False securities, you've learned, are people's downfall. You've also found out that it won't do you any good to lie to yourself - and especially to her.
Lies and deceit have led to many wasteful deaths. And you're willing to risk your life to make sure that doesn't happen again. You've caused untimely and too many deaths. That's why you're fighting so everyone who died for you didn't so in vain.
And you're sick of being involved in this never-ending battle with him. It has dragged on too long; you want an end to this. And this is why you're leaving.
"I'm scared too." You turn to look at the window, so you won't have to know what her eyes say. "I don't know what to expect - what will even happen once I'm out there with him." You gesture vaguely towards the window. "And - I don't even know if I can do this or not. He's ahead of me every time."
"You can do this," she says, sitting down next to you. "I know you can - and you do, too. He may be more powerful than you, and have lots more experience - but there is one thing that you have that he hasn't got."
And you know very well what she's talking about. "Yeah, maybe - but what if that's not enough?" You say wearily. "Just that can't bring him down."
"I have faith in you. All of us do." She smiles slightly. "You've done this before, and you've gained lots of experience and knowledge from all those times before when you fought with Voldemort."
She doesn't even stammer now upon saying his name, you notice. "You can get through this. You will come out through this alive. You have the power to change things, Harry, whether it's for good or for bad. It's up to you how you use that power."
This time you smile. That's all the answer she needs.
*
"I'm still scared for you," she says. "I don't think I can stop myself from doing that - from feeling that."
You look at her. "I guess this is like what Dumbledore told me once - we're bound to be afraid, but that's
what makes us human. We can't help being terrified. All we can do is put that fear to good use. It can either
inspire us or make us retreat into corners like cowards. ... And I'm definitely not going to be the weak
one."
"You never were weak, Harry," she says quietly. "You're the bravest person I know."
She sees the doubtful look on your face, and goes on. "I know you will get out alive. And I will wait for you until that day comes. I'll always be there with you wherever you go."
Her resolve itself makes you determined to make that come true; to actually happen. You know that she's right, even
if you won't admit it to yourself.
And you find yourself not so scared anymore.
fin
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