Disclaimer: Harry Potter isn't and never will be mine. He belongs to Hermione - err, sorry, J.K. Rowling. Only the fic is mine - no one else's.
Author's Note: A plot bunny I got that bit me to no end, so I had to write it. Muchas gracias to Kalie for being so enthusiastic about my fics (although I can't imagine why . . .) and Jennifer for being a lovely beta and friend. And most of all, thank to all my readers and reviewers who help and encourage me (especially Val). *hugs* This is my way of saying thank you.
- - -
It was hard to tell how it all had began, when her life, as she knew it, ceased to exist in those final, slow moving, body freezing moments. She had known only one thing then - and that was to save their son, at any cost. Even if the cost was her own life.
She remembered that she had been sitting, hidden in the darkness, waiting for her inevitable end. As she waited, and tried with all her strength not to scream when James' life was taken, she thought about the fact that their son would never know his mother and father after this - nor would he ever have a chance to.
Bitter tears formed when she thought that; and they flowed ever more steadily when she thought of hers and James' dreams and hopes that would always remain unfulfilled. Except for one. And that was to have Harry live in a good home and lead a wonderful life.
You're supposed to be strong, Lily, she scolded herself. You've been this way for so long and now you can't stand on your own and fight with all you have anymore?
She gazed down at the confused, sad green eyes, eyes that were her own, of Harry. Somehow his one-year-old self could sense that something was happening, or about to happen. Something foreboding.
He was going to lose someone, and he would never get them back. He would go throughout his life without knowing a real family, she mused later. Anyone who was close to them were in danger, and the ones who were hiding, were wanted fugitives/accomplices of the wizarding world. She silently prayed that although he would most likely have no one, despite her hope that he would, he would have a good life.
"Ah, so here you are, Lily Potter," a voice hissed.
It was him. She stiffened, and stood up, fiercely eyeing him. The redness was mocking her. At least she would show him in the end what a thing he had become.
"Yes, it's me," she said bravely, taking the plunge to her awaiting doom - which was the end of her life.
A smirk could be faintly seen touching his mouth. If that was a mouth. "So we meet at last. It's too bad though," he said in a falsetto, sad mocking voice, "that this is the first and last time that we'll ever meet. Avada Kedavra!"
And she was gone.
- - -
Looking back on that now, she realized how naïve she had been. She marveled at how he had become truly their son. He hadn't had a good life; no, his life had literally been hell. But there had been a light at the end of the seemingly eternally long, dark tunnel for him - all the things and people he had been grateful for, had come to this.
He was finally free, and having a truly good life. Everything he had strove for, and everything he had done for other people - making their lives bright and happy and saving them when they were in danger - had come to this blissful beginning and end to all things dreary in his young, suppressed life.
He deserved everything that was good in the world. Lily smiled sadly at that. There was no more room, time for regrets, and there weren't any now.
And now, she reflected, Harry knew beyond all doubt what she and James had been like. She knew he didn't resent them - he just resented the way they had been before - long before he had been born and long before they had matured.
Most of all, he hated himself. He hated himself for creating a picture of perfection in his young mind that had kept him alive and hoping during the hellish moments in his life, which destroyed all he knew in the end.
But he had needed that dose of reality - that cold bitter splash of water upon him. Even if his father had been a mischievous, obnoxious prankster and troublemaker, and she had been a temperamental redhead - which she still was, she thought wryly - she knew he still loved them, in spite of his anger.
Even though Harry knew the truth, and it hurt him, he wouldn't blame them, and still love them. He knew it wasn't their fault that his dream, visions and beliefs had been shattered to pieces once he had learned about their tumultuous past. It was his own - he should have known that not every angel was truly an angel, and that his parents, mature as they had been, hadn't always been that way their whole lives.
They were his parents, and even though James had been cruel and immature, Harry didn't let that judge what he really thought of them - they were and always would be his family - the only true one he had.
He knew they had loved him - and the fact that they had selflessly sacrificed their own lives and everything else to save the life of the one most precious thing to them - which was him - told him everything. They had done it out of their love for him, and he wasn't about to let their sacrifice be in vain and go to waste like that by wasting his own life. That Lily knew, and it was her strength and comfort.
"Thinking again, Lily?" a teasing voice interrupted her thoughts. "You know you'll get harmful side effects from doing that too much."
"And pray tell, what are these effects?" She gazed at the scene before her, but couldn't stop a smile from escaping her mouth when James played with a few vibrant red tendrils of her hair.
"The most common one is getting cranky and abusing the spouse with no reason," his eyes sparkled with merry, infectious laughter.
Laughing, she hit him lightly on the shoulder. "Really, James!" Her voice rang of disbelief.
"But really," he said, with that maddening grin of his that, despite herself, she couldn't help loving, "What have you been thinking about, Lily? Seems serious." Yes, Harry had definitely gotten that grin from him.
She paused for a moment. "Are you seeing what I'm seeing right now? The fact that Harry's right in front of us but we can never reach him?"
James smiled sadly. "He's having the time of his life, Lily. Shouldn't we be happy for that?"
"I know, but . . ." Somehow Lily couldn't put into words what she was feeling then. "It's just . . I want to be there for him, and I want to be in his life. I want to be with him." She shook her head. "But that's not going to happen."
"You're forgetting one thing, Lil Lils," James said quietly, using his pet name for her, she noticed with a small smile. "We're always with him. Wherever Harry goes, we're right there with him. Even though not physically are we with him - we're always guiding, helping him, wherever he is. We are in his thoughts, his memories . . and he's in ours, too."
Lily couldn't argue with that. And she didn't want to, either.
"And besides," James continued, looking at the sight that lay before his eyes, "it means more to Harry than anything that we're there, and Hermione and Ron are there with him, whenever he needs us."
Lily felt a smile grace her face. "You're right, James. It doesn't matter where we are, as long as we're with him."
James couldn't stop a surprised look from adorning his features at Lily's words. "I'm right! Imagine that, the famous Lily Evans said just now that I was right! Me, of all people!" She could easily see through his feigned shock, he knew.
Her reply was a shake of her head and a smack on his shoulder. "Well, it's true!" he exclaimed, laughing. And although she tried valiantly not to, Lily couldn't stop herself from laughing along with him.
"You know, Lily," James said a few minutes of breathless laughing later, "that's the first time I've heard you laugh in a while . . . a long while." He stroked her fingers with his thumb. ". . . And I'm happy that the time was now."
Lily grinned slightly. "I have you to thank for it. You were the first one to make me laugh." A sad look came over her eyes. "After all the agony and irritation you gave me, in the end you were the only one who could make me laugh . . truly laugh, as if I'd never laughed in my life before but loved every moment of expressing how happy I felt, through one sound. Or several sounds put together. Sirius, Remus, and Peter did make me laugh too, but not as much as you did."
James listened. Even though this was bittersweet, it was a memory he loved, and never wanted to let go of. The same went for Lily.
"You knew what I was feeling, even if I didn't let you know. It was like you could read me as if I was an open book, and I didn't like that . . so I pushed you away." Lily paused. "Well, that only made you more determined to win me over. Remember that, James?"
He remembered that all too well.
- - -
It had been a long day of classes, and James was waiting patiently - or at least, trying to wait patiently - for Lily to arrive, so he would ask her what he had been wanting to ask for an eternity. Finally, she burst in, and without looking at anyone, went over to her usual seat by the fireplace.
Now was his chance. James took a deep breath. This wasn't a big deal - well, he asking her wasn't. But asking her if they could be friends - that was a completely different story. Go for it, Potter. He managed to move his feet, with a little bit of "help" from Remus, Sirius and Peter pushing him, and before he even knew it, he was seated across from Lily. This was all too surreal . . but he could deal with it. That he knew.
He cleared his throat and ignored the biting nervousness that he was feeling. "Lily?"
No answer. She was engrossed in reading Magical Herbs and Their Properties. He sighed softly - this was going to be tough. But not tough enough for him . . he knew he had to do this . . . that he wanted to do this.
"Lily?" He tried again.
No answer.
"Lil Lils?" That was sure to get her attention, he thought.
Her head shot up. He had successfully distracted her from the dratted book. "What did you call me?" Her eyes narrowed. Bad sign.
"Lil Lils," he repeated tentatively. "I hope you don't mind if I call you that . ." he didn't dare go on any longer. One more sentence and he would have been asking for his death sentence. From the way Lily was looking at him now, he wouldn't be surprised if she shot him down with her eyes then and there.
She shook her head. "No, it just surprised me . ." Hah, "surprised" is an
understatement, she thought, ". . That's all. Well, the truth is .
." She looked at the floor. What was she doing? Why was she telling him this? Nevermind that he
had cared, judging from the curious yet tender look that he was unknowingly giving her, but . . She
couldn't stop the words that leapt out of her mouth right then. "No one but my parents call me
that."
James felt horrible later for asking that question. Now, hopefully, it wasn't too late to mend his mistakes. "I'm sorry, Lily. I really am. I didn't mean to -"
"It's okay," she interrupted, a sad smile gracing her mouth. "You can call me Lil Lils. If you want to . . I don't mind. Anyway," she quickly changed the subject, he couldn't help but notice, "what do you want?" The last bit HSOcame out neutral, unfazed.
"Lily . . ." he was at a loss for words. Well, if she said that it was okay by her for him to call her what seemed like a painful name . . he didn't want to pressure her about it. He swallowed hard. Here was his chance . Don't botch it up, Potter. "I was wondering if you would want to call a truce. Maybe . . we could possibly be friends, if you want. If you're fine with it." He was babbling now. Stop running your mouth off. James looked at her with an unreadable expression on his face and waited for her reply . . or reaction, if it came to that.
Lily was surprised beyond all words and imagining. "Why?"
"I don't know if you think the same thing, but I realized that it was no use fighting with you, Lily. It was immature of me, and our feuding really didn't solve or help anything. That, and . . I thought it would be better if we were friends. Not that I can't bear with you, Lily," he hastily added, making her chuckle, "but since we're adults now -well, near adults - it would be good not only for us, but for everyone else, too."
Lily shook her head bemusedly, remembering their infamous feuding. "Since I want to make, or try to make, amends while I can. And . . I want to be friends with you, Lily." James nibbled his lip nervously.
She smiled ironically at that. "Are you sure you want to be friends with me?"
"More than I've been sure of anything." He met her eyes, and she knew that he meant it.
"Alright," she grinned, "Friends we are."
From then on, James remembered, he had always been with her, and she had always been with him. Through the toughest times he had ever endured in his life, Lily had been there - comforting, supporting him. And he had been there for her, whenever she had needed him. The best of friends - that was what they had been. And still were now.
And soon after they had become friends, James learned exactly the reason why Lily had reacted so strongly to him calling her Lil Lils. Before she had found out that she was a witch, she had led a happy, ordinary life. Except for those "incidents" that showed her powers, of course. Her parents loved Lily and Petunia dearly, Lily the most.
After she had gotten her letter, that love intensified, and Lily found her the reluctant center of attention. Her parents proudly declared to everyone they knew - related to them, naturally - that she was a witch, how she was making the family name proud - and would continue to do so.
Petunia, feeling underappreciated and jealous, began to fight with Lily more, and when Lily started her first year, her parents pressured her to do her best, to become perfect and "make the family proud, not ashamed, of who you are, and what you have become."
It was a sickening cycle - they pressured her more each year, and even when Lily was the best she could be, they forced to do more, to try harder. And Lily strived vigorously to make them happy - and ended up closing herself to everyone.
That caused her to become sick. James tried not to wince at that. Soon after, Lily realized what she was doing to herself, after a rude awakening thanks to her friends - what few that she had - and blew up at her parents, who saw how selfish and foolish they had been acting. Mercifully.
And then . . before Lily and James had even known it, the Evans were gone . . erased from Lily's life by death, in a flash of a car accident, forever.
- - -
"And you know what happened next," Lily's intense green eyes twinkled.
"We made babies," James nodded. That sent Lily into a fit of laughter, and earned him yet another smack on the arm.
"Before that, James," Lily said, shaking her head.
"Yeah," James smiled softly, remembering. "That was -" his voice caught. "Our marriage." That day had been the most amazing in his life.
Lily nodded, her eyes bright. Then she turned back to the sight before her - Harry was laying flowers at her grave, and Hermione was placing small paper lilies around James' grave.
James followed her eyes and felt a small smile form on his mouth. "I've never seen him so happy, Lily. Hermione's his Lily for him."
Lily blushed madly at that. James' eyes shone with amusement and happiness. "You know it's true." He was stroking her fingers again. "Hermione's always been there for Harry, just like you were with me all the time. She comforts him and feels the same things that he feels."
As they watched now, Harry nodded at Hermione. And the two of them stood up - for a few minutes they looked at the graves with bittersweet smiles on their faces, and taking Hermione's hand, Harry said something. Then they left, Harry looking behind him at the graves all the way. With a sad smile gracing his mouth, he turned around and walked on, his step never faltering.
"I'm really glad Harry has Hermione," Lily said after several moments. She's the best person he's ever had in his life - ever will have."
"Aside from Ron," James finished her thought. "She would make a lovely daughter-in-law," he said wistfully.
"James!" Lily exclaimed, laughing. "They're not even -"
"Ah, but Lily, you can tell by their looks of longing at each other that they wish that they were married," James teased. "And we would be more than happy to have Hermione as our daughter-in-law.
"Actually, we're happy that she's in Harry's life," he finished with a little smile. "So, no regrets about what happened, please? We are relieved and glad that he's alive and having a wonderful, beautiful life. Sacrificing ourselves and our lives achieved what we wanted to happen."
Lily smiled through the crystalline tears that flowed down her cheeks like delightful drops of falling rain. "No regrets. You always seem to know the right thing to say, James."
"Always `seem'?" James was incredulous. "Isn't it always?"
Lily chortled. "You wish."
"No. `Seem' is perfect for me, as you have been for me, Lily," James said quietly.
She felt her cheeks redden. "Same here, James - we are the only ones for each other."
"Isn't that the truth." James winked impishly at her and Lily grinned, feeling for the first time in a long time, truly happy.
"Are you happy now?" He asked her, not teasing.
"More than I've been thrilled with anything in my life," Lily answered, feeling all her regrets and doubts melt away into nothingness. They no longer were in her mind and her heart - she couldn't feel them anymore.
James grinned at that, and taking her hand, they walked to the edge of the horizon and stood there, relishing in each other's presence and the serenity they were feeling.
Whatever she had thought before, Lily forgot or let go of it, and lost herself in a real true beginning.
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